Sober Synthesis

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.”
– George Bernard Shaw

        Johann Hari: Connection is the opposite of Addiction

If connection is the opposite of addiction, then how exactly do we connect?

Our brain is designed to detect trust and distrust in our communications. 
Trust and distrust are mediated by two separate areas of the brain: trust by the prefrontal cortex and distrust by the amygdala

Distrust activates the amygdala to release cortisol and other “fight or flight” neurochemicals. When these neurochemicals rule over our bodies, we are unable to engage cooperatively and connect.

Trust engages the prefrontal cortex with the release of oxytocin and other neurochemicals that promote connection and learning. The prefrontal cortex helps us make judgment calls, have empathy and compassion, and anticipate the future.

How Do We Build That Trust?

Research:

Over the past two decades, a body of research has emerged that sheds light on why some of our conversations go well, or don’t go well.

Our brains have evolved to crave social connection

Neural entrainment: When we click with someone, our eyes often start to dilate in tandem, our pulses match, we feel the same emotions and start to complete each other’s sentences within our minds.

SuperCommunicators by Charles Duhigg: Pulitzer prize winning journalist and who also wrote The Power of Habit.

Together, by the former Surgeon General’s, Vivek Murthy.

So…how to explain why communication goes awry and what we can do to make it better.

There are so many ways to look at communication and I’ll just touch on a couple:

The first one is that many discussions are actually three different conversations.

Three Types of Conversations.

Practical, decision -making conversations that focus on, what’s this really about?
Emotional conversations, which ask, how do we feel?
Social conversations that explore, who are we?

Neural synchronization: helps us listen more closely and speak more clearly. Put differently, when we are not neurally aligned, we have trouble communicating.

We’re often moving in and out of all three conversations as the dialogue unfolds.
However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our partners at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other.

And so to communicate well, we have to know how to detect what kind of conversation is occurring and understand how it functions.

Cultivating mindfulness and present-moment awareness, deep listening are all helpful in this regard.

And also taking the time to ask directly:
The next time you feel yourself edging towards an argument, try asking your partner, do you want to talk about our emotions, or do we need to make a decision together, or is this about something else?

Compassionate Communication

Nonviolent Communication based on Marshall Rosenberg’s work.

Four Components 

Observation:
Observation without judgment consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us.

Feeling: When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations. Distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step. 

Needs: We have needs and values that sustain and enrich our lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. 

Request: To make clear and present requests is crucial. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met. 

Two Parts 

Empathy: Receiving from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty: Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.

Supportive Activities
Mindfulness activities
Role Play
Your Complete Non-Violent Communication Guide (positivepsychology.com)
A Beginner’s Guide to Compassionate Communication (thinkbetteracademy.com)

Questions:
In recovery, have you noticed changes in your communications with others? How have they changed?
How do you want to change your communications with others? Where and with whom would you like to start? 
Does this communication model give you some ideas to approach challenging communications in the future?