Sober Synthesis

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change” – Brene Brown

What is the Difference Between Toxic Shame and Other Types of Self-Criticism or Shameful Experiences?

• Transient Shame: a temporary feeling you get when you make a mistake, perhaps in a social setting. 
• Guilt: I did something regrettable; leads to healthy remorse. 
• Embarrassment: Triggered by an event that is normal, fleeting, and may eventually even be amusing. 
• Humiliation: one of the most intense forms of shame and comes about when we are critically embarrassed about something.
• Toxic shame, also referred to as chronic shame: I am bad, flawed, unworthy, unfixable; part of your core identity rather than a transient state.
  • Is neurobiologically toxic: impairs social functioning, emotional regulation, and physical health.

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Why is Addressing Toxic Shame Important?

• Unrecognized and/or unaddressed toxic shame is a major relapse risk factor.
  • A common toxic shame cycle is drink/use, shame, drink/use.
• Toxic shame harms physical health, mental health, and interpersonal relationships.
• Toxic shame can “shut down” rational thought and decision-making (executive functioning).

What Neurobiological Changes are Associated with Toxic Shame?

• Is activated in right hemisphere processing, especially the amygdala. 
  • The amygdala is integral for implicit (nonverbal) memory, the only memory available within the first 2 years of life. These memories include perceptions, behavioral impulses, and emotional experiences. 
    • Makes non-verbal conclusions about how the external world works. 
• The hypothalamus, with the pituitary, sends neurotransmitters translating social interaction into physical sensations. 
  • Ongoing fear/danger responses heighten “fight or flight” responses (sympathetic nervous system) and subsequent over-functioning of the parasympathetic nervous system (withdrawal/shut down). 
• Prolonged stress releases high levels of glucocorticoids that can inhibit hippocampal (cognitive and behavioral memory) functioning.
  • This can impair explicit memory and conceptualization of new episodic memory; one may not know why one or be surprised by a shame response to an experience.

Are There Different Types of Toxic Shame?

• Implicit Toxic Shame
  • Involves living not with conscious shame, but with a pervasive sense of inadequacy, insecurity and inferiority.
  • One’s experience is structured around avoiding shameful exposure.
  • This ‘threat’ of shameful exposure may not register in conscious awareness while strongly influencing one’s behavior, disposition and interactions.
• Explicit Toxic Shame
  • An experience of having a conscious and persistent expectation that acute shame is an imminent possibility.  
  • One structures behavior and interactions around avoiding shameful exposure.
  • This ‘threat’ of shameful exposure is registered on a cognitive and emotional level; one is consciously and affectively attuned to the possibility of acute shame arising in a moment of shameful exposure.

What Can Cause Toxic Shame?

• In response to insecure parent-child attachment, especially before the age of 2. This includes prenatal exposure to a mother’s stress hormones.
• Ongoing rejection from others due to childhood neurodivergence (mild autism, attention deficit disorders, learning disabilities, obsessive-compulsive disorders).
• Being the victim of bullying and/or social rejection, especially in early adolescence. 
• Being the victim of emotional, physical and/or sexual violence as an adult.
• Ongoing rejection from others due to pervasive cultural, political, and/or social oppression. 

What are Common Behavioral Signs of Toxic Shame?

• Increased anger (more prominent with men)
• Narcissism 
• Bullying others 
• Social avoidance/withdrawal
• Addictions
• Compulsive or excessive behaviors like strict dieting, overworking, excessive cleaning (more prominent with women)
• A losing struggle to achieve perfection.
• People with toxic shame are even more likely to interpret neutral facial expressions as negative.

What are Ways to Address/Heal Toxic Shame?

• Core principles
  •  Neuroplasticity can regulate/heal the impaired neural network drivers of toxic shame.
  • Regulation can occur with “safe” exposure to shame triggers.  
    • The most effective pathway to healing toxic shame is sharing vulnerable emotional moments with another person(s).
  • Time and patience and support are essential.

• Recognizing toxic shame 
  • Recognizing when toxic shaming is going on in our thoughts and/or defensive behaviors. Learning to see mistakes as behaviors and not as a reflection of self-worth is essential to break the cycle.
• Accepting our core self 
  • Learning to define ourselves as worthy people is essential. We can learn to have self compassion, to see value and worth in ourselves.
    • Practice self affirming voicing.
• Making connections 
  • Connecting with supportive people is essential to see ourselves as part of a loving network. Social connections support emotional co-regulation.
• Practice mindfulness 
  • Observing thoughts and feelings helps one recognize certain triggers. Are there certain experiences that lead to feelings of shame? Are there certain unhelpful behavioral defenses to avoid shame? How can one mindfully face these triggers?
• Seek support 
  • Actively participating in self-help meetings, therapy and/or other treatment options provide corrective/healing relationships and support strategies for a recovery/wellness plan that include addressing toxic shame.

Proposed question for thought and/or sharing:

1. Has toxic shame been a factor in your addiction cycle? What were or are your cues that toxic shame has been activated? How have you or how do you plan to address/heal toxic shame?

Disclaimer

This summary is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine or other professional health care services, including the giving of medical advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is formed.