“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” – Brené Brown
- A perception of loneliness triggers a fight-or-flight response. With stress response activation: We act fearful, defensive, and self-involved, all of which drive away people who might actually want to help, and tend to stop lonely people from doing what would benefit them most: reaching out to others.
- You can be alone without feeling loneliness and you can be surrounded by people and yet feel all alone.
- Building compassion and connection to self, whether introverted or extroverted, is key.
- We need both weaker ties (casual/little Cs) and stronger ties (more intimate/big Cs) in order to build “social capital,” which researchers define as the web of relationships in our life and the tangible and intangible benefits we derive from them.
- Seeing someone smile activates micro muscles in our face. Happiness and compassion are contagious.
- Non-verbal communication often influences connection more than verbal communication.
- Conversations trigger physical and emotional changes in the brain that either open you up to having healthy, trusting conversations or close you down so that you speak from fear, caution, and anxiety.
- Research has validated 3 types of conversations
- Level I: Transactional Conversations- include interaction dynamics such as asking and telling (advice).
- Level II: Positional Conversations-include interaction dynamics such as advocating and inquiring.
- Level III: Transformational Conversations-also called co-creating conversations, include interaction dynamics such as sharing and discovering.
- Our brain is designed to detect trust and distrust in our everyday conversations.
- Trust and distrust are mediated by two separate areas of the brain: trust by the prefrontal cortex and distrust by the amygdala
- Distrust activates the amygdala to release cortisol. Cortisol functions like a sustained-release tablet—the more we ruminate about fear, the longer the impact. This triggered reaction is sustained over a half-life of 13 hours or a full life of 26 hours. When cortisol rules over our bodies, we are unable to engage and connect, locking us in Level I conversations.
- Trust engages the prefrontal cortex and releases oxytocin-its roles include protection against stress, new cell growth (neurogenesis), and sensitivity towards emotional stimuli. The prefrontal cortex helps us make judgment calls, have empathy and compassion, and anticipate the future.
The Neuroscience of Conversations | Psychology Today
Additional Connection Activities
- Daily mindfulness for self connection, stress reduction, and limbic system/emotional balance.
- Make eye contact, smile, say hello in casual social situations (eg. grocery store, on a walk).
- Consider volunteering
- Consider joining a local group or an engaging activity in your area
- Continue attending and participating in recovery self help groups (camera on when possible).
- Get more physical. Touch can deepen relationship bonds (as long as the other person is willing of course). Virtual hugs are powerful replacements.
- Minimize phone/computer for primary source of connection (social media). When using, initiate a conversation thread rather than scrolling.
- Initiate “play dates”.
Proposed questions for thought/sharing:
- Did you use alcohol/drugs to feel more connected? Now that you have stopped using, how are you or how will you enhance connection with yourself and others?
- Do you want to change your conversation style? Where and with whom would you like to start?
Disclaimer
This summary is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine or other professional health care services, including the giving of medical advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is formed.
Sober Synthesis 
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