Sober Synthesis

Beer will always be my worst friend.)

Written by Nix

My favorite kind of alcoholic beverage was beer.  I drank any kind of beer, ranging from Bud Light to crafted IPA.  Beer was my favorite friend. I thought about my friend, Beer, a lot.  I thought about how often we were going to spend time together and how long we would spend time together.  I spent time with my friend Beer at least every other day, if not everyday. We sat for hours and told each other the same stories over and over again, but this was okay with me.  Our stories were meaningful. We sang loudly together. We danced together. We cried together. We laughed together. We ate food in the middle of the night together.  My friend, Beer, often made me feel sick, but I forgave them for it.  Afterall, they were always by my side no matter what.

Beer and I met when I was 15 years old.  I was a socially awkward person at this age.  (And still am, today.) We met through a mutual friend named Jeremy.  We met at a party.  Beer and I decided to spend time together at this party.  Before we knew it, Beer and I were the life of the party!  We showed the folks at the party how we could perform tumbling tricks. (I explained to Beer that I was a gymnast. Beer thought it would be cool if I did some backflips on the grass). We spoke with all kinds of folks we never had the courage to speak with before. Beer encouraged me to let loose and become sociable.  Even the boys liked us.  Boys never liked me very much before I met Beer.  I felt grateful for my new friend, Beer.  I felt brave when I was with my friend, Beer.  I felt humorous when I was with my friend, Beer. I felt attractive when I was with my friend, Beer.  I could see that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Beer and I spent many years together after our first meeting.  Beer lived with me throughout my college years. Beer helped me with my studies, helped me to make new friends, and even helped me to have the courage to date. Beer kept me company whenever I needed a friend.  Beer was even with me on Graduation Day, cheering me on, as I received my diploma. 

Beer was my guest at every wedding I ever attended. (Except for one wedding where I didn’t think I needed a guest. Beer felt left out.)  I cried on Beer’s shoulder when life felt hopeless.  I laughed with Beer when I sang karaoke.  I danced with Beer on the dance floor at the bar.  Beer was my guest at my own wedding and was even there with me the week after my baby was born.  Beer was at my side for 25 years.  I did not know how to live a life without Beer.

Live a life without my friend, Beer?  How would that be possible?

I forgave Beer when they made me throw up.  I forgave Beer when they gave me a nagging headache.  I forgave Beer when they recommended that I hurt people that I loved.  I forgave Beer for pushing me to call people in the middle of the night, as I spoke nonsense into the phone.  I forgave Beer for asking me to ignore my child, drive when I shouldn’t have driven and asking me to spend thousands of dollars just to be their friend. I forgave Beer for giving me a poor complexion, an oversized tummy and butt and forgave Beer for persuading me to eat fast food for breakfast.  I forgave Beer for causing me confusion, causing me to make poor choices and taking away the essence of who I truly am.  I forgave Beer because Beer promised they would be a better friend “next time.”

Thing was, Beer was never a real friend.  A real friend would want me to feel at peace.  Beer could care less if I felt at peace.  Beer craved chaos. 

I had built an incredibly unhealthy, co-dependent relationship with my friend Beer.  And, Beer was the laziest, no good of a friend I had ever had in my life.  

Beer was fun at first, but as time passed, Beer became the worst friend I had ever had. I felt sick and tired of my friend, Beer.  We were going nowhere together. I did not understand who I was any longer. In fact, I hadn’t had the chance to explore who I was for many years because of Beer. Beer was a selfish, time sucking friend. Beer was a selfish friend, a reckless friend and a careless friend. 

A real friend would support my strength, but Beer depended on my weaknesses.

When my son was about 2 1 ⁄ 2 years old, the Fourth of July came around.  I did not work that day.  It was a day off from work.  Beer loved when we had the entire day to spend together.  Beer and I met up at around 2 pm this day, July 4th.  I remember it was warm outside.  My son was hanging out with me and Beer. (And at the time, his other parent, too.)  Me and Beer decided to celebrate the holiday, even though Beer and I never needed a reason to celebrate anything at all.  Shortly after I began spending time with Beer on this day, I felt incredibly sick.  It was unusual because Beer and I used to be able to hang out for hours on end and I did not always get sick.  The backyard began to spin and my stomach felt like it was riding on a rollercoaster ride.  I stood up and stumbled over my thoughts.  I felt like I was a subzero of a person. I felt like I was nowhere to be found.  Beer left me there like this.  Beer abandoned me.  Beer poisoned me mentally, physically and emotionally.  

Beer was the worst friend I had ever had.

Realizing this, at this very moment, I vomited all of my Beer onto the grass, just missing my toddler son by an inch.  He looked up at me and asked, “Honey, are you sick?”  I replied to him, “Yes, son, I am sick.”

My friend Beer made me so sick that I threw up. 

It was at this point I understood that Beer was not my friend.  Beer had never been my friend.  Beer was the worst friend I had ever chosen to be in my life.

It was the next morning that I broke up with Beer.  We would get back together and break up again.  We would get back together and break up again.  Beer always promised that our friendship would be “different this time”, but it was always the same old song and dance with Beer.  Over time, I knew I could not trust Beer to tell me the Truth.  I don’t make friends with Liars.

It has been 8 years and 3 months since I’ve seen Beer.  Beer stopped trying to contact me.  Beer has never been in my apartment.  I’ve seen Beer out and about many times, but Beer did not recognize me, thank goodness. 

I’ve made new friends since ending my friendship with Beer.  I have been hanging out with Coffee, Matcha, and I see Root Beer Float about twice a year.  These friends have never hurt me or my family.

Since ending my friendship with Beer, I have gained self respect, I have found Yoga, I am able to write poetry again and most of all, I am a Proud Mother.  

My son does not remember me hanging out with Beer, thank goodness.  I believe he would not have enjoyed Beer’s company, for Beer wanted me all to themself.  Beer was selfish, resentful and sometimes insane.

I never want to spend time with Beer ever again.  I like myself just the way I am.  

I know who my real friends are.

Written by Nix